Deux.

Dear Anonymous Readers,

After reading through my first post a couple of times, I find the whole composition vain and self absorbed. It was not how I imagined it would sound like. There wasn't that hopeless suicidal tone that I intended it to have. I sounded confident, maniacal even, with not a single hint of my depression. It's true that that I write my posts everytime I am sullen or emotionally disturbed, but the process of transferring what I feel into words somehow went haywire in the middle and the result is this flawed representation of my suicidal sentiments.
And yes, although I wished to remain androgynous, my style of writing should have given way to my true identity. Boys and girls are subjected to follow this 'codec of acceptable actions' that differentiate them from each other. We were all taught a certain way of acting belongs to a boy or a certain way of thinking belongs to a girl. So I can't run from this classifications as I have never experienced being the other gender. I would have not known how they would have written all of these instead.

Anyway, enough self badgering for now. I could go on forever about all the wrong things about me.

Today I went to pick one of my exam papers from my professor. I couldn't get up this morning for his class. Something held me back down and told me not to go. It could have been my defeatist side, telling me that there's no use to attend that particular class today. If I let that side of me had its way, I would feel like there is no reason to attend any class or do anything. It will tell me not to bother myself with worldly things and lie down and decay naturally to the earth. But I wouldn't do that.
Anyway back to my professor. My encounter with him, how should I put it, was something I would have avoided. He is as amicableless as anyone could be. Crude. Boorish. No sense of decency or patience. Not even a "You're Welcome" when I said "Thank You". His stare might as well translate to "You are wasting my time".
No matter how horrendous it was, I left the place wondering what was wrong with me. Wasn't I polite or friendly enough? Fault always come to me first. I would blame myself. And because of this tasteless incidents, I would prefer to choose not to interact with anybody. I rather walk and enjoy the world pretending that I'm the last person left. But my dreams of being ignored never come to existence. People would always direct their attention to me even when I do not ask for them. I can't be left alone.

And again, I am tired. Perhaps another thing about my posts that I particularly dislike is that I tend wind my sentences around a simple subject. I could have been more straightforward. But that would have taken more energy than needed.

Kei